I stole the phrase "time in the apartment" from a friend of mine who is single after a marriage and divorce. Maybe theft is too harsh; after all, he gave me permission to use it. As my friend was explaining what he meant by “time in the apartment”, I realized he was talking about a very important key to future dating and relationship success after a break up or divorce. It also dawned on me that I must put in writing the what, why, how, where, who and when of "time in the apartment”, so as many people as possible can benefit from it!
What does “time in the apartment” mean?
"Time in the apartment” encompasses everything that you need to do for yourself after a breakup such as the following:
Being alone for an adequate amount of time before getting involved again;
Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually;
Healing from your last relationship;
Getting to know yourself, by discovering who you were and who you now want to be; and finally
Loving yourself.
It is likely after your relationship ended you have been broken down as far down you can go, and now “time in the apartment” is where the rebuilding begins.
What is “time in the apartment” NOT? It is NOT:
a time to consider or pursue any sort of romantic, short-term or long-term, relationship;
a time to call your old love interests and try to rekindle them; or
a time to prepare and post your profile and start perusing on-line.
It is simply a time to lick your wounds and prepare for the day you are ready to get back out there.
Why is “time in the apartment" imperative to your success in your next relationship?
It is the time and place where you will go through the grief cycle. Things you may grieve are your ex, your marriage or relationship, family, the past, the lost future, life as you knew it, life as you thought it was going to be, property you lost, money you lost, and hope you lost. If you skip it, the grief will rear its ugly head at a later, inappropriate time!
I am a big proponent of “time in the apartment”, because how you end a relationship and whether or not you walk away with baggage, are vital pieces to the success of your next relationship! “Time in the apartment” is how you accomplish those two things in the most effective way.
“The apartment” is likely to start out as a dark, dreary, depressing place! But if you stay there, sit with yourself, feel your feelings, experience your dire straits in full color. Have stinking thinking. Cry, get angry, have a damn pity party! Do it up right! Do not hold back! Reflect, blame, judge, reminisce. Tomorrow will be a better day! The sun will shine again! You will feel peace and even joy again! But until then get to doing whatever you need to do, to love yourself!
During your “time in the apartment”, you will likely move through it faster and heal better if you seek counseling or coaching, start an exercise program, start a new hobby or revive an old one, or seek self improvement in any fashion that is comfortable to you. Or better yet, the further out of your comfort zone you can get with new things (of course legally and morally) the more powerful it will be for you.
How much time does each person need “in the apartment?”
Each person’s amount of “time in the apartment“that they need will vary. For some it may only be six months, for others it can take as long as two or more years. One part of the equation is how long your relationship lasted. You will know you are ready because your steps will be lighter, no longer like walking in sand; your heart will be more joyful, no longer twisted in pain; and your life will be easier, no longer a complete train wreck.
There is a point where you must “move out” of the apartment and begin living again! If it seems like you are going father and father down in the dumps, things are getting bleaker and bleaker, and you do not see light at the end of the tunnel, you must seek professional help, whether it be a physician, therapist or pastor. Some people require help getting out of “the apartment” and that is perfectly fine!
One thing I have often heard from people is that some think “time in the apartment” is completed before the divorce is final, because their marriage was already dead so many of the last years...Sorry that does NOT count. You might have progressed through part of the process, but once the whole thing is truly final there is still more to complete!
Where is "time in the apartment" served?
Many people getting a divorce have owned a home and they either have to move out or sell it, so they temporarily get an actual apartment. Or they shared an apartment with their love interest and now have to get their own. Some find moving back in with their parents for a short period is the best option for them. Others have even stayed in a friend’s basement. The location of where you serve your “time” is not as critical as actually making sure you serve “the time.” Also important is what you do during your “time.” It is a time to be picking up the pieces financially, emotionally and physically, because every area of your life has been affected. Re-read the "Why" section.
Who needs to spend "time in the apartment" and when do they serve their time?
Everyone who just had a relationship end by a break up or divorce must do their “time in the apartment”. “Time” is to be served IMMEDIATELY after the break up and BEFORE entering into a new relationship.
I have stressed this important element to every coaching client I have ever had who is single after a breakup or divorce. Sometimes it falls on deaf ears and sometimes it is soaked up like a sponge. The deaf ear people are still not in successful, fulfilling relationships. The sponge people are at peace, happy and experiencing the joy relationships are meant to be. I have seen it over and over again where people skip doing their “time in the apartment” and rush right into the next relationship. Some are so desperate to not be alone they do what I call the "overlap" technique. They line up the next victim to be in a relationship with before ending the current one. What a recipe for disaster. Every person I know who has rushed into the next relationship or "overlapped" relationships ends up in a bad or unhealthy relationship that also does not last. Then the miserable cycle repeats itself.
Heed my words and set yourself up for success not failure!
Call to action:
If you are "in the apartment" now and you need encouragement and support, reply and I will email you.
If you have successfully served your "time in the apartment" post your insight for those who have yet to serve.
If you skipped your "time in the apartment", it is never too late. Take time to be completely by yourself without being in any type of romantic relationship whatsoever! You will be amazed at the results. You will thank me and yourself! So will your next love interest!
Until next time…..
Happy Dating,
Ronda Welsh, Your Dating Strategist
Helping singles remove the doubt from dating!
www.resolveittogether.com
ronda@resolveittogether.com
316-409-4431
P.S. The word time was used 38 times in this blog (40 now). What does that tell you?
What does “time in the apartment” mean?
"Time in the apartment” encompasses everything that you need to do for yourself after a breakup such as the following:
Being alone for an adequate amount of time before getting involved again;
Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually;
Healing from your last relationship;
Getting to know yourself, by discovering who you were and who you now want to be; and finally
Loving yourself.
It is likely after your relationship ended you have been broken down as far down you can go, and now “time in the apartment” is where the rebuilding begins.
What is “time in the apartment” NOT? It is NOT:
a time to consider or pursue any sort of romantic, short-term or long-term, relationship;
a time to call your old love interests and try to rekindle them; or
a time to prepare and post your profile and start perusing on-line.
It is simply a time to lick your wounds and prepare for the day you are ready to get back out there.
Why is “time in the apartment" imperative to your success in your next relationship?
It is the time and place where you will go through the grief cycle. Things you may grieve are your ex, your marriage or relationship, family, the past, the lost future, life as you knew it, life as you thought it was going to be, property you lost, money you lost, and hope you lost. If you skip it, the grief will rear its ugly head at a later, inappropriate time!
I am a big proponent of “time in the apartment”, because how you end a relationship and whether or not you walk away with baggage, are vital pieces to the success of your next relationship! “Time in the apartment” is how you accomplish those two things in the most effective way.
“The apartment” is likely to start out as a dark, dreary, depressing place! But if you stay there, sit with yourself, feel your feelings, experience your dire straits in full color. Have stinking thinking. Cry, get angry, have a damn pity party! Do it up right! Do not hold back! Reflect, blame, judge, reminisce. Tomorrow will be a better day! The sun will shine again! You will feel peace and even joy again! But until then get to doing whatever you need to do, to love yourself!
During your “time in the apartment”, you will likely move through it faster and heal better if you seek counseling or coaching, start an exercise program, start a new hobby or revive an old one, or seek self improvement in any fashion that is comfortable to you. Or better yet, the further out of your comfort zone you can get with new things (of course legally and morally) the more powerful it will be for you.
How much time does each person need “in the apartment?”
Each person’s amount of “time in the apartment“that they need will vary. For some it may only be six months, for others it can take as long as two or more years. One part of the equation is how long your relationship lasted. You will know you are ready because your steps will be lighter, no longer like walking in sand; your heart will be more joyful, no longer twisted in pain; and your life will be easier, no longer a complete train wreck.
There is a point where you must “move out” of the apartment and begin living again! If it seems like you are going father and father down in the dumps, things are getting bleaker and bleaker, and you do not see light at the end of the tunnel, you must seek professional help, whether it be a physician, therapist or pastor. Some people require help getting out of “the apartment” and that is perfectly fine!
One thing I have often heard from people is that some think “time in the apartment” is completed before the divorce is final, because their marriage was already dead so many of the last years...Sorry that does NOT count. You might have progressed through part of the process, but once the whole thing is truly final there is still more to complete!
Where is "time in the apartment" served?
Many people getting a divorce have owned a home and they either have to move out or sell it, so they temporarily get an actual apartment. Or they shared an apartment with their love interest and now have to get their own. Some find moving back in with their parents for a short period is the best option for them. Others have even stayed in a friend’s basement. The location of where you serve your “time” is not as critical as actually making sure you serve “the time.” Also important is what you do during your “time.” It is a time to be picking up the pieces financially, emotionally and physically, because every area of your life has been affected. Re-read the "Why" section.
Who needs to spend "time in the apartment" and when do they serve their time?
Everyone who just had a relationship end by a break up or divorce must do their “time in the apartment”. “Time” is to be served IMMEDIATELY after the break up and BEFORE entering into a new relationship.
I have stressed this important element to every coaching client I have ever had who is single after a breakup or divorce. Sometimes it falls on deaf ears and sometimes it is soaked up like a sponge. The deaf ear people are still not in successful, fulfilling relationships. The sponge people are at peace, happy and experiencing the joy relationships are meant to be. I have seen it over and over again where people skip doing their “time in the apartment” and rush right into the next relationship. Some are so desperate to not be alone they do what I call the "overlap" technique. They line up the next victim to be in a relationship with before ending the current one. What a recipe for disaster. Every person I know who has rushed into the next relationship or "overlapped" relationships ends up in a bad or unhealthy relationship that also does not last. Then the miserable cycle repeats itself.
Heed my words and set yourself up for success not failure!
Call to action:
If you are "in the apartment" now and you need encouragement and support, reply and I will email you.
If you have successfully served your "time in the apartment" post your insight for those who have yet to serve.
If you skipped your "time in the apartment", it is never too late. Take time to be completely by yourself without being in any type of romantic relationship whatsoever! You will be amazed at the results. You will thank me and yourself! So will your next love interest!
Until next time…..
Happy Dating,
Ronda Welsh, Your Dating Strategist
Helping singles remove the doubt from dating!
www.resolveittogether.com
ronda@resolveittogether.com
316-409-4431
P.S. The word time was used 38 times in this blog (40 now). What does that tell you?
